A Quiet Heart…

“The More Satan has endeavored to dishonor marriage, the more should we vindicate it from all reproach and abuse, that it may receive its due reverence.”
~John Calvin

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“Marriage is thus a great and honorable estate through which we have an incredible opportunity to grow in grace and godliness.  Marriage is a ministry.  It is an institution ordained by God through which he intends to gain glory.”
~Voddie Baucham (What He Must Be…, pg. 46)

Although I fully intended to continue this “series” shortly after I started it, the time frame has now stretched from a few days to a few weeks.  I suppose I could just forget about it, because, by now, everyone else probably has. But, it is a topic that I still feel needs to be addressed, so I am going to continue on with it. 

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A few weeks ago, I posted (here) about how our online conversation can either exhibit “the works of the flesh” or, “what is proper for women who profess godliness”.

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Today, I want to look specifically at how “women who profess godliness” are actually professing something entirely different in their online communication.

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“However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” ~Ephesians 5:33

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Occasionally, I will see a woman post something praising, thanking, or encouraging her husband.  One sweet older lady (in the Titus 2:3 sense) I know has purposed to intentionally look for her husband’s good and exemplary qualities, so that she can thank him publicly (online).  I have seen other women occasionally thank their husband for a sweet gesture (alone time, taking care of the kids, cleaning out the garage), or gift (birthday, anniversary, or no-special-occasion).  Some will post kind words about their husband’s character, or simply say, publicly, “I love you.”

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All of this is wonderful.  But, sadly, it is not the norm.

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Instead, daily status updates and tweets chronicle a much different version of marriage.  Every disagreement, every bad day, and (way!) “too much information” is shared over these social networking sites.

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Some ladies post humorously veiled jabs at husbands who “forgot to take out the trash…again!”  Dads who do not want to get up in the middle of the night are publicly shamed, as their wife “jokes” that “the baby would starve if his father was in charge of midnight feedings!”  Others get a little snarky about how daddy is “just another one of the kids that I have to clean up after.”  Of course, most usually include the obligatory smiley face, “LOL,” or “Just kidding!” to indicate that the statement was made in jest. 

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But, frankly, I don’t care whether the statement was made in jest or not.  I do not find remarks like this the least bit funny.  Because, instead of respecting, and publicly building up and praising our husbands, posts like this insinuate that the man many women refer to as “handsome husband” (HH) or “dear husband”(DH) online, is, in actuality, an insensitive, incompetent, lazy…well, jerk.

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Am I wrong?

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“Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land.” ~Proverbs 31:23

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Have you ever stopped to think about your husband’s reputation among your online following? 

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We may not have city gates, but our husbands are known among our internet followers…for better or worse.  What we say has a direct impact on how others perceive him.  In real life, your husband may be a great guy – a strong spiritual leader, a hard worker, attentive to you and the kids.  But, many (maybe even most) of your followers may not know him in real life.  So, they never get to see those great qualities.  All they know – all you ever tell them – is the negative. 

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Maybe your list of online followers does include real-life friends.  And, just because I feel like picking on people today, pastor’s wives, do your followers include members of your congregation?

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Online communities, while offering a sense of camaraderie and fellowship, can also create a perceived sense of anonymity, and an “escape” from reality.  So, it may be tempting to forget that, not only are we are writing about real people.  But, other real people are reading our words.  Even within our virtual worlds, there are still real-life consequences – all the more reason to be circumspect and discreet in our online “speech.” 

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Personally, I find it very difficult to believe the woman who is hanging on her husband’s arm on Sunday morning, gushing about how wonderful he is, when throughout the week, she has posted nothing but “jokes” (at his expense) and mean-spirited, snarky comments concerning his attitude, his character, and his work ethic. 

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Of course, some women go to the opposite extreme.  Technically, I suppose you could say that their comments are positive.  But, I have found myself thoroughly embarrassed – both for them and their husbands, by the sheer amount of private information that they are willing to divulge about…their…how can I say this discreetly?…marriage relationship.  Yet another awkward Sunday morning scenario in the making….  While I’m glad you have a healthy relationship, no one needs all the details.

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Think about it:

Does your husband have reason to be embarrassed and ashamed because of what you have said about him, or about your relationship in your various online forums? 
Or, is your husband confident that you are “do[ing] him good and not harm” (Prov. 31:12) in what you share about him online?

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Stay tuned…there is more to come!

 Every Little Kiss
by Steven Curtis Chapman

 Well I still first remember the first time
I felt the power of your kiss
It hit me like a bolt of lightning
I said I never will recover from this

And like the words from the mouth of a prophet
I have lived to see those words come true
Just look at me now, I’m still reeling

With every little kiss I’m reminded
How wonderful it is to be in love with you
With every little look
With every little touch
With every little kiss

Like a moth being drawn to a candle
This is something that I can’t resist
I guess you could say I’m addicted
Cause I keep coming back again and again

And after all of the storms we have weathered
All the seasons of change we’ve ben though
Well Somehow the flame keeps getting brighter

With every little kiss I’m reminded
How wonderful it is to be in love with you
With every little look
With every little touch
With every kiss you give me just a little taste of heaven
Just one more good gift that God has given
I don’t want to miss one single little kiss

“Allow a man to win your heart. And if he doesn’t want to, then why would you want him?” ~Carolyn Mahaney

~August 4th, 2001~

A few months ago, I heard a song, by Jamie O’Neal, called “I Love My Life.”  The chorus of this song says, “I’ve got everything, more than I ever dreamed, I love my life.  I thank God for all I have, and that I love this man, who loves his wife.  I love my life!”

I do love my life!  And, I truly do have more than I ever dreamed – or deserved!  I am blessed to be married to a man who wanted to win my heart…And, 6 years, 2 cats, and one wonderful blond-haired little girl later…He still has it! 

Happy 6th Anniversary – I love you!!

I Love My Life

by, Jamie O’Neal

Her little blond hair’s blowin’, she’s swingin’ while her daddy’s mowin’
The grass, and the dog needs a bath
But he’s chasing the cat up a tree
I’m lookin’ out the window, happy just watching my world go round
And I think to myself, how lucky can a girl be

I’ve got everything, more than I ever dreamed
I love my life
I thank God for all I have
And that I love this man
Who loves his wife
I love my life
I love my life

Twenty kisses goodnight, turn the little butterfly night light on,
’til the monster is gone and she’s finally fallen asleep
We tiptoe downstairs, cuddle up and we kiss in the big chair
and I smile and you whisper, now it’s just you and me

I’ve got everything, more than I ever dreamed
I love my life
I thank God for all I have
And that I love this man
Who loves his wife
I love my life
I love my life

Blue and pink in the nursery
Gold and silver anniversaries
Dancing in the living room
Our little girl, and me and you

I’ve got everything, more than I ever dreamed
I love my life
I thank God for all I have
And that I love this man
Who loves his wife
I love my life
I love my life

Today is our 5th wedding anniversary. While we were engaged, I met a friend who, at that time, had been married five years, and, it seemed like such a long time then! Now it doesn’t seem like very long at all!

The girls Bible study group that I am in is going through the book Lies Women Believe, by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. Last night’s chapter was, appropriately enough, on the topic of marriage. As I read through the lies in this chapter, I realized just how easy it is to fall prey to these lies if we are not constantly immersing ourselves in the Truth of God’s Word. And, I once again found myself thanking the Lord for the solid, biblical foundation we were given during our dating/engagement.

During our pre-marital counseling, I remember our pastor saying that is that it is not my responsibility to be my husband’s personal “Holy Spirit.” He already has one, and does not need another. In other words, no amount of nagging on my part will produce any significant changes in my husband. Of course this is something that I still struggle with from day to day, and probably always will. But, during our study last night, one of the girls pointed out a great quote from the end of this chapter:

“God uses the rough edges of each partner in a marriage to conform the other to the image of Christ. Your mate’s weaknesses can become a tool in God’s hand to make you into the woman He created you to be.”

Carolyn Mahaney, in her book Feminine Appeal, makes a similar statement:

“Although we are both sinners, God is using our marriage to help us grow in godliness. In fact, our husbands’ particular sins, unique weaknesses, and even their idiosyncrasies are tailor-made for us. Likewise, our sins and weaknesses are custom-designed for them. Both husbands and wives will become more Christlike by having to deal with each other’s sins and deficiencies.”

Jason and I have recently been discussing this idea of the Lord using our various strengths and weaknesses to sharpen each other. We are seeing just how well-matched we are for one another, and how perfectly the Lord has put us together. His strengths are my weaknesses, and vice versa. As I see areas of weakness or struggle in my own life, it is exciting to see how the Lord has matched me up with someone who is uniquely gifted in those very things! Yes, these differences in our personalities and approaches to life and problems can, and do, cause friction and misunderstanding. But these are the “rough edges” that will eventually, Lord-willing, cause us to look and act more like Christ!

Jason was given a test on our wedding day. (And, yes, he passed!) Our pastor asked him to remember what his three responsibilities would be as a husband. He did his homework, and gave the correct answer: Love her, Learn her, and Lead her. While these were specific to his role as a husband, I do think that the loving and learning parts are just as necessary for the wife as well. Marriage is a lifetime process of loving and learning one another. Steven Curtis Chapman is probably my favorite singer/songwriter. On almost all of his albums he includes a special song for his wife, and a few years ago, he produced an entire album just for her! But, I love this song from his “Heaven In The Real World” album, and I think the title says it all – Love and Learn.

Love and Learn
Written by Steven Curtis Chapman

Echoes of careless words and slamming doors
Are still ringing in the night
I’ve taken my side and you’ve taken yours
We’re both wrong and we’re both right
Once again misunderstanding has turned us into enemies
I will forgive you, will you forgive me

Love and learn, that’s what we will do
Love and learn through the flood and through the flame
This world will turn and the seasons will change
But there’s nothing we can’t get through
As long as we both hold on to the hand of God and each other
And take a lifetime to love and learn

We start out believing we know love so well
But through the years we find
True love is a story only time can tell
And God has made this lifetime yours and mine to

Love and learn, that’s what we will do
Love and learn through the flood and through the flame
This world will turn and the seasons will change
But there’s nothing we can’t get through
As long as we both hold on to the hand of God and each other
And take a lifetime to love and learn

So until that day when one of us
Has to lay the other in the arms of Jesus
I will be with you and you will be with me to

Love and learn, that’s what we will do
Love and learn through the flood and through the flame
This world will turn and the seasons will change
But there’s nothing we can’t get through
As long as we both hold on to the hand of God and each other
And take a lifetime to love and learn

Jason has spent the last 2 weeks finishing his last class at TMS - The Pastor’s Home. I was only able to attend a few of the classes with him, but the ones that I did attend were profitable. They were Q&A sessions with various members of the church/seminary staff. On the last night of class, Dr. Mayhue (the seminary VP) and his wife, “B,” spoke on their experiences as a family in ministry. They spoke separately on their own personal experiences, and then answered questions from the students together. As Dr. Mayhue introduced his wife just before she spoke, he listed 15 qualities that he felt she possessed, which made her a good pastor’s wife. (Now, he said there were 15… I believe him, but in looking over my notes, I realized that I only had 14! Maybe I combined a couple of them, or maybe I simply missed one altogether! Either way, it’s still a good list!) And, as he was speaking I began to see two things. First, this is a man who loves and admires his wife!! He truly believes that he has found “a good thing” (Prov. 18:22). Second, this list could be (and should be!) applicable to any Christian wife, it is certainly not exclusive to a “pastor’s wife.”

The Pastor’s Wife is:

1. Fully supportive of her husband’s ministry: She never tries to create a competing career, or slow down the process out of fear.
2. Flexible: She is not rigidly self-willed.
3. A Servant: She has a servant’s heart.
4. A Keeper of the home: She makes caring for her husband and family a priority.
5. Organized and Efficient: She is not lazy or undisciplined.
6. Others-Oriented: She is not “stand-offish” or shy, and looks to be an encouragement to others.
7. Content to be herself: She is not ambitious to be a “star” in the church, she is not jealous of her husband’s position, or of the attention he receives.
8. A Godly Woman: She is an example to other women.
9. Hospitable: She is not hyper-private, she does not appear hospitable in public, but in reality does not allow anyone into her home or life.
10. Patiently stands with her husband: She never takes too seriously the excess of praise or criticism given to her husband.
11. A Sounding Board: She gives honest and practical feedback to his thoughts and ideas.
12. Biblically Oriented: She is not into the latest church fad, but focuses on Scripture to deal with questions and problems.
13. Willing to be sacrificial:She puts her mind on the things which are above, and not on the things on earth.
14. Fervent in prayer: She understands, and lives in, the tension between man’s responsibility and God’s sovereignty in life.

This is somewhat of a daunting list! As I look at these qualities I realize that I still have so far to go! I want my husband to be able to say:

“He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.” ~Proverbs 18:22